Kakuzu's Sewing Guide
by Metal Butter
Summary: Complete with sections on how to choose fabric, thread, and equipment, all without spending money! That does mean you have to use curtains, hair, and kunai. Probably.
1. Prologue

**A~N: You do realize that I don't need to tell you to let you know that I don't think you don't think that I don't own Naruto. Translation: I don't own Naruto, period.**

**Kakuzu's Sewing Guide**

**Prologue**

Kakuzu sat at his sewing machine. He was doing nothing. Nothing important. Not at all, because Pein had put him(and Hidan) on a vacation.

It irked him to no end.

Having nothing to do except count your money(and he had already done that) can do that to a person. There were no bounties. The ones he hadn't brought to the bounty station needed a great physical strain. Kakuzu was not in the mood for great physical strain. He left all the physical strain to Hidan, who was actually stupid enough to take the bait.

Also, physical strain endangered his hearts to the point of cardiac arrest. He was also not in the mood for cardiac arrest. (In fact, who is?)

And so, he dissected his available options to do something, and which ones of them would not take Great Physical Strain. (At this point, Kakuzu was referring to it with Capital Letters.)

Deidara-and-Sasori-argument-prompting was cruel enough to be entertaining, but it also put a Great Physical Strain on his ears, and therefore, his brain, which would lead to headaches.

Kisame and Itachi were in Konoha. Probably off to _not_ capture the Kyuubi jinchuuriki. The weasel was probably excusing himself to go take a pee and let Naruto escape. (In fact, Itachi was 'distracted' by a dango shop, but Kakuzu's thoughts were _almost _there.)

The senior management offered no entertainment, unless Kakuzu wanted to be on the wrong end of one of Leader's torture devices. And that would take Great Physical Strain.

Anything including Hidan was out of the question. The Jashinist was _that_ annoying.

And so Kakuzu started prowling through the halls; he was _that_ desperate.

The stitched man had stumbled upon the Eleventh Door(contained a Predator), the Sixth Door(a white room full of nothing), and the Twenty-first Door(a world full of rainbows and lollipops; a possible torture chamber) before he veered off into the kitchen. When you enter the kitchen, embarrassment or unwilling cannibalism(or both) ensues. You are not allowed to pick one.

-KSG-

"Why don't you write a book?" Konan suggested. Kakuzu almost had a heart attack. Close call.

"I am _very sorry_, Konan, but that is a useless thing to do. Thus, I will go find other things to do now."

"He—hey, wait!" She had grabbed onto his shirt-curtain-thing. Not a very dignified thing for an 'Angel of God' to do. "You could write something useful."

Kakuzu sat back down. "I suppose. Yes, I could do that."

How he hadn't been embarrassed or eaten any human body part was odd.

"Kakuzu, you're eating a foot."

I spoke too soon.

~KSG~

And so Kakuzu sat down at the computer he usually used for writing economic lectures and contracts, which had a lot of fine print in a very, very, very small size. (.02, to be exact.) This computer was one of the only three computers in the base. Only Kakuzu, Sasori and Deidara, and Pein had them. Well, there were also a few laptops scattered inside the Doors, only obtainable when you 'finished' the level, but that is another story completely.

He did a few warm-ups. Motivation, mostly.

'_Hidan is annoying.'_

'_I love money.'_

'_I hate cardiac arrest.'_

Somehow, the phrases got mixed up and now it was _"Hidan I love cardiac." _He quickly erased that.

~KSG~

Our favorite stitchy-dude cracked his knuckles. After a long, satisfying bout of work, he was now completely pleasured with having finished the thing he had been working on not only two hours ago.

And now, I will not show you what he wrote so far.

The end.

I got you, didn't I? Oh, I didn't. So you snuck a peek? How dare you!

Here's the beginning:

**Kakuzu's Sewing Guide**

**By Kakuzu of Takigakure**

**Read if you have the money.**

**A~N: TWO CHAPTERS IF I WANT TO. OR THREE. OR YOU CAN SUGGEST SECTION NAMES. Sorry, I couldn't get my finger off the Shift key. I don't use Caps Lock, as it is too overrated(read: overused).**


	2. Introduction and Foreword

**A~N: PROMPT ME. Also, the other members will be peeking over Kakuzu's shoulder and add comments of their own. It is up to you to guess who, exactly. Right now, it is very easy, but in later chapters Kakuzu will begin to neglect to address the members. The comments are italicized, kthxbye.**

**Chapter One**

**Introduction and Foreword**

Have you ever sewed?_ That seems like a grammatical error._ (Pardon me for the grammatical errors, Konan, but you are hardly a great example yourself.) _That was a great insult. Remind me why I'm not sicking Pein on you right now._

If you have, then there is no need for basic instructions from this guide. It is basically used as means for improvement. And if you have never sewed in your entire life, attribute that to:

Being spoiled,

Being lazy,

Being stupid, or

Being a Jashinist.

All of the above are time-wasting, and as time is money, you are wasting money, provided you are actually at least one of the above traits. And Hidan, you are all of those. _Hey, you gravy gravy, gravy you and your gravy! You got gravy gravy gravy!_

This guide is to be perused by all Akatsuki members, and none of you are allowed to think otherwise, even Leader. (I am not going to sew your bodies back up.) _I agree. The prospect of sewing a dead body with numerous piercings is enough to make even me vomit. _(Thank you for your input, Kisame.) It is also wise to read this if you are in an emergency and you have forgotten how to sew your other arm up. Be warned, this guide will not be a lifesaving kit, it may in fact be the opposite if you use it incorrectly. You are not allowed to use this incorrectly, because you will be kicked out if you damage your partner, damage yourself, or act like a chicken without a head in emergencies. _You shouldn't have told me that._ (Deidara, you will not be kicked out. Also, replace 'kicked out' with 'killed' and 'will not' with 'will' if you try to attack Sasori. Or Tobi. But mostly Tobi.)

If you have read and understood the above, please continue on to the next chapter.

_**Warning: Kakuzu is not at fault for mutilation, laceration, abrasion, blood-spitting cough, migraines, skull fractures, cancer, or any other diseases and wounds that the reader acquires when trying to follow the instructions in the book. You did it, you pay the hospital bill. **__Whaaat? _(Deidara, you would probably enjoy being mutilated. Same goes for Hidan.) _I don't gravy enjoy it! You gravy!_

Kakuzu took a breath and read it again. And facepalmed.

He tried to erase the comments, but they would not be erased. He looked if he was pressing the right button, but still, nothing changed on the screen. Then he realized. Konan did this!

Kakuzu screamed out her name in an outraged, furious, and livid fashion. Somewhere, a mild chuckle was heard.

He dropped his fists and almost smashed the keyboard then and there when he remembered that this would probably cause cardiac arrest. And so he had to settle with writing the next chapter.

**A~N: If you're confused about the whole door part, they are Forbidden Doors hidden all around the Akatsuki base. Somehow, everybody remembers the numbers that they label the Doors with. Some doors are optional escape routes, some are useful, and some are downright reckless. I liked the concept of Forbidden Doors, and so I have incorporated them into two of my stories: KSG and ABB.**


	3. Choosing Fabric

**A~N: I'm trying to get all of this out of my system before I continue my other story. So, no ABB this week.**

**Chapter Two**

**Choosing Fabric**

The first thing to do is to go to a local (or foreign, make up your mind) store. _No gravy, gravy Sherlock._

Pick a store where the owner(or at least the girl behind the cash register) does not recognize you, and therefore, you will not waste chakra by doing a silly Henge. If you miraculously proved to have wrong judgement, and the owner calls the ANBU on you, kill them all, find another village, and repeat. _Please follow if you value your life._

Here are some things that you must not buy fabric for, and other precautions.

If you want a new forehead protector, go buy one.

Do not ever buy fancy lacey curtains. _Tobi wants one of those!_ (No.)

Hidan has plenty of unused mesh shirts, if you don't mind the blood.

Finally, use the inside of your collar for a handkerchief. Don't complain about the unhygienic-ness of it. _Disgusting. It's a good thing I have a spare surplus of handkerchiefs. _(That was burned down when the villagers rallied, Konan.) _What?_

The fabric you use must be:

**Any color but pink. **Konan, you are the only exception. _Don't try to steal my woman! _(What?)

**Appropriate for your task.** Asbestos if you are going to blow something up or set it on fire, Gore-Tex if you expect to be pushed into the water and have no swimsuit, and anything but wool if you are going to roll around in fleas.

**Cheap enough.** Anything above one ryo requires the treasurer's permission. Most likely, it will not be approved. _ I told you, I really need that nanofabric!_ (Deidara, I seriously do not care if you decide to wear some stupid raincoat over your cloak. It is strictly forbidden.)

**Durable**. I keep stressing this point, as I keep telling you to buy waterproof and fireproof materials. Well, your fabric must be durable enough to suffer through everything, even bleach spots.

The following is the actual guide on how to choose fabric.

Our cloaks are made up of woven fabric. They are not knitted. Woven fabric contains threads that run ninety degrees from each other. _If you continue to write like this, the reader will probably already have started sleeping. And I'm pretty sure that our cloaks are knitted. _(That is their fault, Kisame. And the cloaks are woven. ) Woven fabric does not stretch, except if it is on the bias.

Knitted fabric can stretch in many ways. It has numerous loops that you can pull. _Oh, lemme guess now, knitted fabric also has buttons you can push and so on? _(No. Kisame, please leave.)A knit can stretch in one way, or in both ways, or in all ways. This is very important, for, example, you must not buy a knit that stretches in one way when you plan to sew something that goes both ways. _Haha, both gravy ways. You queer gravy. _(Hidan, please join Kisame.)

Unless the fabric is a mashed fiber, such as felt, it has a lengthwise, a crosswise and a bias grain. Understanding fabric grain is important when laying out a pattern.

When you read a pattern envelope, it will require with, or without nap. I am not particularly fond of this, but Hidan and Deidara seem to like it, although they do not know what its technical name is. They call it 'the shiny stuff'. What a pair of morons. _Kakuzu, at least tell us what nap is. _(Fine, fine.) A fabric with nap is one which has a pile and looks different shades from different angles. Velvet is an example of this.

Plaids and other topics must be strictly avoided. Nobody wears plaids, as they hideously clash with the bandages.

The very best fabric you need is 100% tightly woven cotton fabric. _So _that's_ why everything you sew is so soft!_ (Yes, Konan. It surprises me that you had not learned of this before.)

You could have skipped three paragraphs, but you read through it. Those three paragraphs are completely useless in battle situations. But you may use the knowledge when sewing tote bags, pouches, and so on. Do not hope that you fooled me when I entered the room and you quickly stashed your half-finished clutch under the sofa, Tobi. _Fool. You shall die._

**A~N: Next chapter, equipment. I look forward to recommending kunai.**


End file.
